Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
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Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
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He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
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