So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Randomize
