I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
