i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
