my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
