I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
