you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
