You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
