and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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