I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
