oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
