You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Randomize
