I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
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I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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