Fine. I'll sleep in my office
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
