She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
