It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
