I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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