Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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