Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
