I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just cut my nipple shaving
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
