He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
