He uses pillows to masturbate.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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