i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
