I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
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