life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I didn't notice because vodka
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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