Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
