I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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