I think I just saw someone hide a body.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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