Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
