how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
