I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
