9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
