I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
