i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
