The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
