I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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