dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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