Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
