We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
