opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Randomize
