Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
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