the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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