I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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