She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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