can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
