Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
