Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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