my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Randomize
