Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
