I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
