If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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