i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Found your dick twin last night
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
