This girl is more easily done than said...
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Randomize
