he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
