So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
