Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
