i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
