My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
