i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
