I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
