I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
