Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
