you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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