i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Don't EVER smell your tampon
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
